April Fools: Cox & The “Family Matters” Plan

Here at Red Beans and Life, we like when things work when they are supposed to. Unfortunately, Cox Communications does not have the same philosophy. We decided to poke a little fun at our local internet service provider and their proclivity for spotty services in the worst of times. What would you have said if this were real?


Amid reports of slow connection speeds and all-out service interruptions, Cox has announced the roll out of their new “Family Matters Plan.”

The plan, announced by Jacqueline Vines, senior vice president and general manager for Cox’s Southeast Region, hopes to utilize the regular down times faced by Cox Internet and television services to promote family bonding.

In a press release issued this morning, an unnamed Cox representative said that since the dawn of the Internet era, families aren’t spending enough time together. They went on to explain that the connection problems customers face were a “sign of God” to the company that said “enough is enough.”

“We as a company realize that Internet service is vital in a big city like New Orleans,” the press release said, “however, what is more important is getting together to enjoy the lovely humid weather on a nice New Orleans summer day.”

When asked what exactly Cox hopes to achieve with this plan, Vines explained that nothing is more important than family.

“Netflix can wait when it’s time to play Scrabble,” she said, “We’re just making the most out of a bad situation. The Internet will be slow and go out at least once a day, so why not make use of it?

Local residents have mixed feelings about the plan, which is set to roll out in the next few weeks.

“I don’t have a family, so this plan isn’t much use for me,” said Uptown resident and avid World of Warcraft player Scott Anderson.

“I really just want to be able to use the Internet at any time. Sometimes I just need to do certain things before I go to bed that I can’t do without the Internet and I certainly can’t do with my family. The other night, I was in the middle of…something…and the Internet just cut out. Even if I did have a family, I’d be ashamed to see them after…that,” Anderson said.

Other residents have embraced the plan as a way to reconnect to family values of times past.

“I think it’s just truly wonderful,” said Beth Young, the mother of 8 and avid church goer.

Young explained that she has banned her children from the Internet long before this plan, along with vaccines and Harry Potter.

Cox’s management team said they will continue to adapt to their customers needs, and if this plan finds widespread usage, will likely bring about other “low-internet” plans for families who miss forcing their children to hang out when a phone call interrupted the 56K modem.


We almost got you with that one! Luckily, even Cox realizes this idea wouldn’t go over too well but at least it would explain the service. Want to see some more satire from our April Fools Series, look here and get a laugh!

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About Morgan

Morgan was born in Georgia, raised in Louisiana, a Southern gal through and through. A graduate of the University of New Orleans, she loves her Saints, her city and inserting thinly veiled sarcasm throughout all her writing.