It’s late April, and if you’re in any way a culturally intelligent New Orleanian, you started preparing for Jazz Fest months ago.
Whether you’re a Tulane student who’s been shopping for sundresses since October, or a recently graduated bro who figured out the perfect way to sneak in a fifth of bourbon, get your sunblock and festival shoes ready — it’s about to get muddy. I’m not one to judge, but people watching is one of my favorite activities come festival time.
Here’s 10 of the more common folk you’ll run into this year at Jazz Fest.
1) Aging Hippies
They might have steady jobs and a conforming haircut, but these former Summer of ’69 rockers will still throw down and take a hit “for old time’s sake.” Look out for lawn chairs and flagpoles.
2) Gutter Punks Who Snuck In
Just hanging out by the fence back there? This is one of the cheapest festivals in the country, but gutter punks have no morals. Look out for dirt stains from crawling under a fence and avoidance of festival security.
3) High School Flower Children
What you think you look like
What you actually look like
You look like every other person here, and you’re probably hitting up your dad at the Preservation Hall tent for money to buy lemonade that you mix with vodka snuck in by some guy who smells like nachos. Watch out for flower headpieces, cute backpacks, aviators and Marlboro lights. They travel in packs.
They spend the extra two dollars for the Foster’s beer instead of Miller Lite and force themselves to be culturally sensitive while secretly only paying to see the headliners. Look out for ironic mustaches, ratty tank tops, scarves and wool hats in 90 degree weather and hand rolled cigarettes.
With String Cheese Incident AND Phish playing, this will be the dreadlock and BO Super Bowl. They travel from show to show selling burritos to pay for drugs, then hula hoop and twirl sticks around for 9 hours.
6) Beer Bros
Ray Bans–Check. PFG shirt–check. Chacos–check. The bros will swarm, and when they do, they’ll spend $100 on Miller Light and pee anywhere they feel like.
C’mon. It’s a music festival. The bloodshot eyes will be covered by sunglasses, but they will be aplenty. Don’t be the square that coughs either.
“Do you know where we can see the Mardi Gras?”
Tourists flock to Jazz Fest, and for good reason. They have no idea who Crawfish Monica is or why she’s so sought after and they have trouble interpreting the map. Don’t be afraid to help, NOLA’s all about hospitality!
9) Your Teachers
There’s an unspoken mutual agreement: what happens at Jazz Fest, will get Snapchatted to your friends.
10) Overly Friendly Drug Dealers
Once again, c’mon. It’s a music festival. At Jazz Fest, they stick out like a sore thumb, though. They travel from pack to pack mumbling slangs like “dank, dose, rolls.” If you do ask him what he’s selling, it’ll look something like this:
Did we miss anyone? Let us know in the comments below!