I once spent $40 on an American Flag polo shirt. I’ve started USA chants at bars, and I was in the streets celebrating the night Osama Bin Laden met a cheery group of guys we like to call Navy SEALs. Patriotism runs in my blood, as it should, and one of the greatest holidays is fast approaching — 4th of July.
Aside from your regular 4th activities, such as witnessing pretty sky explosions, I’m looking for some good ole’ fashioned red blooded American things to do for my holiday. And if that weren’t enough, as I’m writing this, the US Men’s National Team is about to remind Germany that third time’s the charm. So, for liberty and justice for all. Here’s how to get your stars and stripes on this coming 4th of July.
NOLA Motorsports Park
Whereas our European counterparts are more focused on fuel efficiency, compact cars and ridesharing, nothing says you love freedom more than spewing out the carbon footprint the size of a small nation with your vehicle. Cars and racing are as American as baseball and apple pie, and can be traced back to the bootlegging days of the Prohibition. Nowadays, you can fulfill your need for speed at the NOLA Motorsports Park. With multiple tracks and ways to go fast, you’re sure to never get bored here. If you don’t have your own fast whip, their go kart track is what you’re looking for. These aren’t your kids’ go karts, they go up to 50 mph. Challenge your friends and celebrate the good life in the fast lane.
The Shooters’ Club
Putting all politics and personal opinions on the issue aside for this one. No matter where you stand on the issue, guns are legal. And, what a lot of people don’t realize, they’re fun if practiced safely. It’s a “don’t knock it till you try it” thing. Next in line for most American activity after burning fossil fuels is pumping some lead into a paper zombie target, and at The Shooters’ Club, you can do just that. Almost anyone can go rent one of many guns of different calibers and shoot to your heart’s content or until your ears blow out. They employ a very knowledgeable staff, and if you’re having trouble hitting that paper target, friendly strangers in the stall next to you often offer advice and pointers to get you shooting as accurate as Walker Texas Ranger.
Bayou Hot Wings
All of that rubber on asphalt and lead on paper action has to have you hungry by now. Right below cars and guns on our list of Americanisms is protein, and excessive amounts of it. Eating challenges are a beast of their own, but nothing tops Bayou Hot Wings’ Beast Challenge. This challenge puts man VS. beast in one of the spiciest standoffs in the city. Their hottest wings have had many challengers, and few winners. One look at their Facebook page can tell you that only the brave survive. Eat at your own risk, and know that only Commies leave wings behind.
After your busy day of high speed, gun toting, wing eating American fun, I think it’s safe to say that you’ve earned a beer. Thankfully, one of the (in my opinion) best brewery in the south calls Tchoupitoulas home — NOLA Brewing. They’d typically have a tour on Friday, but seeing as how they’re as American as you, they’re taking that part of the day off. The tap room is still open, however, so head on over and drink one for America, because if you don’t, the terrorists win.
Now that the game has started, freedom is flowing through my bloodstream like Washington crossing the Potomac. This one’s for you, America.