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If there’s one thing about alcohol, it’s that it makes you feel good. Really good. Unless, of course, you’re an alcoholic, in which case you should probably stop reading here. Remember, alcoholics go to meetings. Everyone else is just a drunk.
There’s one more thing about alcohol, though. Drunks, rejoice, for now we can feel good on a whole new level by giving the joys of booze to our favorite charities! That’s right folks, liquor donations to charities are now legal in Louisiana. House Bill 1036 was signed into law by Bobby Jindal on June 23, part of a series of often laughable legal acts of our fine guvnah’ signed in the past month. The bill allows manufacturers and distributors to donate wine and liquor to charities.
Previously, charities had to purchase liquor or wine for fundraisers in advance. Manufacturers or distributors could then cut them a donation check for what they spent, acting as an annoying middle man between the whole process. It was also more expensive, requiring charities to pay wholesale prices for their booze. This new bill streamlines the whole process, meaning you get drunker faster. We all win.
So, which charities will be drinking what? We came up with a list of the best alcohol-to-charity matches for your inebriated donating pleasure:
Absinthe for Green Light New Orleans
If you’re going around changing lightbulbs all day, chances are you’ll need some creative stimulation and a little lightbulb over your head at some point soon. Thankfully, the infamous green fairy, absinthe, has been inspiring artists and creative types since the 18th century. Green Light New Orleans installs free energy efficient light bulbs and backyard vegetable gardens to “demonstrate that a mass movement of individual actions creates a significant impact on our environment and community.” Green actions = green liquor.
Patrón for NOMA (because they’re patrons of the arts)
While you’re feeling artsy, why not make a charitable donation to one of the greatest art museums in the country? Patrón. Ahh, Patrón. We all know you too well, señor. Well, if it weren’t for Lil Jon, I’m sure we wouldn’t have the greatest idea who you are but instead we’d be drinking cheap and rather unflavorful….
Cheap Tequila for Hands On New Orleans
Tequila was never a classy drink until Lil Jon and Patrón came along. It was always the fuel of most college pre-games that ended in a messy post-game. If you didn’t vomit on yourself first, you’d be getting pretty handsy, hence this terrible pun of a match. Hands On New Orleans is a nonprofit that organizes volunteer work throughout the city. The work with locals, tourists, church groups, corporate groups, and anyone else looking to make an impact on our city. No offense meant here with the cheap stuff, we all had to drink it at one point.
Red Wine for Catholic Charities
We all know that the stuff they serve at mass isn’t strong enough, and Father keeps giving us weird looks when we try to take more than one sip. New Orleans is a city of drinkers partially due to the fact that we have so many Catholics. You can be forgiven of your sins in enough time to drink to them that evening. Catholic Charities operates over 40 programs addressing issues ranging from hunger and poverty to domestic violence and the needs of the mentally ill, so they need all the help they can get.
Grey Goose for the Woodlands Conservancy
Hold the good stuff for Mother Nature, because it’s the only thing standing between our city and the Gulf of Mexico. The Woodlands Conservancy is a nonprofit with the mission to preserve and develop an ecosystem dedicated to creating opportunities for recreation, ecotourism, and education. They stress the conservation of hardwood forests and are leaders in the preservation of Louisiana’s coastal ecosystem. I’m no biologist, but the bird on their logo looks close enough to give them the Goose, and maybe a little tonic water with lime.
Jägermeister for Gulf Restoration Network
Only one thing is muttered when someone orders shots of this: “Oh no, not Jäger.” Jägermeister sticks to you like the crude oil it resembles. I actually like the flavor, but most shudder in disgust. Jäger has the tendency to ruin someone’s night and morning after, quite like oil spills. The Gulf Restoration Network is a nonprofit that is committed bringing people together to protect and restore the natural resources of the Gulf Region. The Gulf of Mexico is precious, and we should be doing everything we can to protect it, so don’t spill your Jäger.
Crème de banane for Tipitina’s Foundation
There’s been speculation about the origin of the banana on Tipitina’s logo ranging from a disgruntled artist to a former portside banana warehouse. One thing is certain, though: it works. The hand holding the banana is probably one of the best recognized logos in the city, and is rightly deserving of a delicious bottle of Crème de banane. Tipitina’s Foundation provides New Orleans public schools with musical instruments and raises the awareness of the New Orleans music legacy. It’s all about the music in this city, so help them out and keep it playing.
Any other matches we’re missing? Drunk text it to me leave it in the comments below!
