Where to Break Up in New Orleans

In many ways, New Orleans is the city of love in America. Much like its European counterpart, Paris, the Big Easy is known for its divine restaurants, alluring views of riverfront skylines, and romantic nights on musical thoroughfares.

I’m kind of a hopeless romantic, myself. My memory’s a bit hazy, but I once brought a date to Burger King. She’s a keeper, that one. Unfortunately, though, all good (and some bad) things must come to an end. So where we have Morgan to thank for great date spots, I’m here to tell you where to end it. Guys and girls, I take no responsibility for any slaps in the face.

The Gold Mine Saloon

Spin to win at The Gold Mine.
Spin to win at The Gold Mine.

Under a guise of being a date, your significant other might suspect something fishy once arriving at this dive. From the bachelorette parties to the round after round of flaming Dr. Peppers, The Gold Mine is, literally, a gold mine of sleaze. If that wasn’t enough to hint them off, maybe you downing 5 shots in a row will do it. Good news, though. Once you’re both sufficiently single, the dance floor is full of potential suitors of all ages and, uh, qualities.

Creole Creamery

Colder than your ex's heart.
Colder than your ex’s heart.

What’s better after a breakup than something colder than the heart of an ex? If a readily available gallon of ice cream doesn’t soothe that burn, I’m not sure what will. Completing Creole Creamery’s Tchoupitoulas Challenge can even earn his or her name placement on their hall of fame plaque. You know, because someone’s going to have to put them back on a pedestal after you push them off.

Copeland’s Cheesecake Bistro

Have this man represent your new freedom.
Have this man represent your new freedom.

Just like the namesake of the man who stole New Orleans’ heart with his elaborate Christmas decorations and boat racing, you can be sure your legacy goes out with a bang at Copeland’s. It’s casual enough to not be suspected as a formal occasion, and is just the right amount of class to not be insulting. The prices are cheap, so the last supper won’t be one to break the bank. With hotel security and valet parking, he or she won’t even get the chance to key your car.

The Country Club

"Got dumped, worth it."
“Got dumped, worth it.”

I can think of few places better to be after a breakup than an outdoor oasis filled with scantily clad potential rebounds. Why not give your new ex the decency of having that oasis, too? From the pool to the cabana bar and sauna, The Country Club offers plenty of distractions to channel grief and get drunk, island style.

The Great Escape

(Press play below before reading on.) All else has failed. You’ve tried the shady bar approach, the drowning in desert approach, the pseudo-fancy meal approach, and the topless-optional approach. Nothing has worked. Here’s your last ditch effort: Horse riding lessons are a great activity for couples. While the soon-to-be ex isn’t looking, take the opportunity for a quick gallop off into the horizon as a newly single, lone ranger. Hi Yo Silver, Away!

About Eric

Eric is a New Orleans native and graduate of Loyola. He grew up in Kenner and is embarrassed to tell you that. He lives Uptown and frequents local watering holes to socialize with peers. His hobbies include writing, making bad jokes, and casually observing the day to day life of New Orleans.

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